Sprayed
by BriscoNLogan
Summary: How to Bathe Yami no Malik in Tomato Juice without Being Sacrificed to the Darkness. By Neph and pikachumaniac. Ch. 6 is up! The aftermath of an encounter between Yami no Malik and a guest causes problems for a certain omote. Yami no BakuraxMalik
1. A Cunning Plan

**Authors' Notes:  **Well, PM and I will continue to dispute who his responsible for this fic.  I say that it was her, because she's the one with all of the skunks!  Just because I had a demented vision of Yami no Malik getting a better look at some tomato juice… well, who wouldn't love that?  Not my fault!  And so, "Sprayed" was born.  This chapter is purely absurd.  PM and I are well aware of that.  We just wanted to give an amusing background chapter, and really, PM and I won't be making much (if any) of an appearance in the rest of the fic.  This fic is almost if not completely for the sake of humor.  We thought it only fitting that we put in a little cameo to get things started.  How else could I prove that PM, deep down, is truly evil?  On the other hand, I, of course, am nothing like this in real life.  Whereas PM is only more evil.  Yeah, who thinks that PM's going to want to get revenge and write the chapter notes next time around?  Too bad she's going to be out of the country.  *smirks*  --Neph

**Summary:  How to bathe Yami no Malik in tomato juice without being sacrificed to the darkness.  A cautionary tale. ** A certain black and white creature pays a visit to Yami no Malik.  The lingering aroma left in its wake causes problems for a certain omote.  Yami no Bakura* Malik

Other pairings will also be putting in an appearance later on. *grins*

**Chapter 1**

**A Cunning Plan**

It was late one night--because really, don't all of the most absurd bouts of stupidity take place when one is sleep deprived? This was not to mention that Nephthys, the author who cannot spell her own name half the time, had just consumed a large quantity of fresh pineapple. For the record, whenever Neph eats pineapple past 11pm, she gets very giddily hyper. Frighteningly so.   
  
To make matters worse, she was paying a visit to PM, whose home is notable in that it happens to be in close proximity to skunks, who happen to like to spray. Often.  
  
"Do you know what would be really funny?" Neph asked, pinching her nose shut and laughing somewhat maniacally all the same. "If Yami no Malik got sprayed by one of your skunks!"   
  
"They're not my skunks," PM grumbled as she slammed the sliding door shut for the fourth time that week (it was a Thursday, by the way). "And if they were my skunks, I would barbecue them along with a side dish of fried peacocks."  
  
PM was also having problems with peacocks. Well, PM had problems with lots of things, but skunks and peacocks were topping the list.   
**  
**"Besides," she continued as she wondered why the friendly neighborhood red-tailed hawk had yet to eat the before-mentioned pests, "do they even have skunks in Japan?"   
  
Neph frowned a bit at the question. She liked to appear as an absolute authority on all things, but unfortunately, she had little idea as to whether or not there were actually skunks in Japan. "It seems like there might be. I mean, the climate doesn't seem wrong. And hell, if we can wind up with Tiger mosquitoes from a shipful of waterlogged used tires, then I don't see any reason why we couldn't have sent them some skunks before now. Accidentally, of course..."   
  
Then Neph began to grin in a way that tended to bode ill for all involved in the story. "Say... what if we sent a skunk to Japan?"   
  
"We'd probably get arrested by customs and they will accuse us of being terrorists or something along those lines. Why?" PM asked, acting just as a total idiot would. Which was perfectly alright, since PM was a self-proclaimed idiot who was probably going to die next year from taking classes that were much too difficult for her.  
  
(On the other side of the Pacific Ocean, several characters in a certain show gave a huge sigh of relief at PM's stupidity.)   
  
Neph sighed and shook her head in long-suffering fashion. "I didn't say that we should try to sneak a skunk through customs. That would _never _work." She was convinced that this was all a ploy by PM to try to get her to take tests for her, which was never going to happen. In any case, Neph proceeded to explain the plan. "We should mail the skunk to him anonymously. After all, there are bound to be convenient means for shipping a live skunk to Yami no Malik in Japan. And he'll sign for it, open the package, and then, ka-blam! He'll be sprayed. Think of the hilarity, PM. Think of it!"  With that, Neph excitedly grabbed PM's shoulders and began to shake her, thinking that PM didn't look nearly enthusiastic enough (and, of course, shaking her was going to fix that, no problem).

Of course PM wasn't enthusiastic about sending a skunk to Yami no Malik. The idea was, admittedly, amusing... but she was also convinced that Yami no Malik was a psychopath and would have no qualms about killing and removing organs from two certain writers. Finally, after threatening Neph with a variety of interesting hentai fanarts of Yami no Yuugi-uke (those work every time), PM was able to get far, far away from Neph.  
  
Then she started whining. PM was VERY good at whining.  
  
"But I don't want to die! He's going to find out, I know he is. And then he's going to kill us. And I don't WANT to die!"   
  
Neph was still regarding PM rather suspiciously, as she was dangerously close to the computer, where said fanarts most definitely lurked. Of course, when PM started whining, Neph couldn't help but cringe a bit. Behold, the power of PM's whining.   
  
This time, however, she was not going to give in and drop the decidedly dangerous idea. Neph simply shook her head. "No, he won't. Because that wouldn't be an interesting story at all. I mean, who would want to read about the two of us on the lam from a pissed-off Yami no Malik? And if it gets that far, I'll simply dip him in chocolate." (For purposes entirely un-related to this fic, Neph had laid hands on a device with just such capabilities. To say nothing of the apple-flavored Ryuuji that was returned to PM... still don't know what happened to him.)  
  
"He can't be homicidal if he's chocolate, right? I've heard that chocolate has the same endorphins in it as arise from sex... so by my estimation, he should be one happy Yami no Malik by then..." Yes, it was absurd logic, but hey, what did one expect from an authoress who wanted to mail a skunk to Yami no Malik? "Oh~! And we can put a fake return address on the skunk, so that if he does have the urge to kill, he can head over and have a ball with those loud neighbors of yours." Neph grinned. She didn't see how PM could refuse that. Next to the skunks and the peacocks, those neighbors seemed to be the most prominent of her neighborhood pestilences.   
  
Despite the obvious danger involved, PM couldn't help but be swayed by Neph's arguments. About the neighbors, not the chocolate though. PM had barely heard the argument involving the chocolate because as soon as Neph had mentioned it, she had been drawn back into her fantasies about certain anime characters covered in the before-mentioned substance. Luckily, her fantasies were too NC-17ish to be mentioned in this story.  
  
"I guess so..." she muttered, weighing the pros and cons of her decision in this. With Neph's plans, the worst-case scenario in all this was that PM would no longer have to listen to the neighbor's yapping dog at six in the morning. The best-case scenario was... was basically the worst-case scenario.   
  
Still, PM had some qualms. After all, this idea was coming from a fellow writer. And if there was one thing PM had learned, fanfic writers usually had to be a little short of sanity. If one looked at this idea from a LOGICAL standpoint, it was very ridiculous and most likely dangerous. After all, PM still wasn't sure about the concept of getting the skunk past customs anyway. And how would the skunk survive a trip all the way to Japan? Wouldn't it be dead before it even got there?  
  
Sighing, PM accidentally took a deep breath. And since PM had closed the door a little too late, that meant she got a huge breath of skunk odor. Which meant PM was not at all happy with the skunks.   
  
Making up her mind, PM turned to Neph and smiled as innocently as she could. Which wasn't very innocent because people tended to run away screaming when she tried that. Neph, for example, looked positively terrified by PM's attempts to be innocent, especially since only minutes before she had been threatening to show off her collection of... well, THAT.  
  
"All right, Nephthys-san!" PM chirped. "However, since this was your idea, it means that YOU have to get the skunk."   
  
Yes, Nephthys was very frightened when PM gave her that supposedly innocent smile. Innocent would describe it... if by innocent, one meant ominous. Otherwise, it was far from it. For a moment, Neph feared that the Yami fanart was about to surface, and she grabbed a pillow in case she needed to cover her eyes in a hurry.  
  
Of course, given what PM suggested, Neph might have preferred the fanart. "But they're YOUR skunks..." Neph whined pleadingly. "I'm sure that they'd listen to you. Besides, how in the hell am I supposed to catch one of them?" Neph began to pout, but then she had an idea. Admittedly, it might have been a very stupid idea. But, since this story is not about to dwell on Neph's attempts to hunt down and capture a skunk, it was an idea that would work.   
  
Of course, it took a few things... soon enough, the trap was baited and set. It was a pet-carrier... and inside of it was a can of cat food. Neph had read somewhere that skunks would eat cat food. So, all she had to do was put it near to the skunks, hide, and wait for one to go for the food, before she could rush out and zip the carrier shut.  
  
Bad idea. Very bad idea. Suffice it to say that several hours later, Neph returned, reeking of skunk, but with one of the furry black-and-white creatures zipped into the carrier. "I call him, 'Skunkzilla'. You see, apparently skunks really, really like cat food. They weren't too happy about there being only one can. Hence..." Neph gestured to her harried appearance and skunk-scented body. "This one fought all of the others off. And he was the only one that _didn't_ try to spray me. Yet," Neph added, regarding the carrier warily. "Anyway, I need a bath. Or rather, several baths. So, I was thinking, you could take Skunkzilla down to the airport and get him transported in with the cargo while I clean myself up. I mean, I _did_ catch him... and you're the one who knows your neighbors' address. Unless you'd prefer for me to come give you a nice big hug?" Neph asked, looking as if she weren't joking around at all.   
  
PM winced as she backed away from Neph very quickly again. She wondered if there would be enough ketchup in the house to give Neph a tomato bath... you see, PM and her family had lots of experience with washing off skunk smell. Her dog, Goldie, seemed to make it a habit of getting sprayed by skunks. Once, Goldie had gotten a bath... and being the intelligent dog she was, she had promptly run away only to get sprayed by a skunk.  
  
Well, nobody had ever said that Goldie was intelligent.  
  
Still, PM was very reluctant to drive with a possibly rabid skunk in a carrier. PM, first of all, did not like driving. Secondly, she was cheap and she had a feeling that sending a skunk would cost her money. So instead, she tried to plead reason with Neph, hoping desperately that her attempts would not get a skunky hug.   
**  
**"Demo, Nephthys-san..." she continued to whine. "I don't have any money. My house got robbed and somebody stole all my money. So I'm broke. So I have no money. So I can't send a skunk. And I can't drive. I can barely drive to the mall without getting into an accident! What happens if I crash? What happens if I die?! What happens if Skunkzilla dies?! Then your evil plans will go to waste and you'll be overwhelmed with guilt for the rest of your life!"  
  
Inside the carrier, Skunkzilla scowled from the high-pitched whine. He tried desperately to cover his ears, but even that didn't block out PM's whine. So he did the only thing he could think of.  
  
He sprayed.   
  
Neph had been all ready to lay that skunky hug on PM, when the other had begun to whine in high-pitched fashion. Neph had a sinking feeling about that, since these skunks seemed to be fairly easily provoked. She was torn between warning PM and informing PM that the only guilt she would feel would be over the demise of Skunkzilla if such a thing were to happen, since PM was far too evil to stay dead for long.   
  
As it was, Neph managed to say neither, before Skunkzilla elected to spray. What Neph found so delightful was that the carrier had been pointing towards PM at the present time and still rested by her side. Although, much to Neph's displeasure, several droplets of spray flew up towards here, the majority of it pelted the front of PM's body.   
  
Naturally, this inspired Neph to curse. Mostly because now she was probably going to be forced to drive PM and Skunkzilla to the airport. Not that she bought that excuse about PM having no money, because her house clearly had not been robbed.   
  
"Fine," Neph replied, sighing again in long-suffering fashion. "We'll both clean off and then _I'll_ drive us to the airport. You're going in, though. And I will pay... but then you're going to owe me one. I think you should have to read at least five Seto/Jounouchi fics of my choosing if I have to pay for international skunk shipping to Japan. It's only fair... Unless you'd like me to send you along with Skunkzilla?" Neph added, smiling sweetly. "I'm sure that Yami no Malik wouldn't mind getting another special surprise."   
  
PM was too busy shrieking and wailing from the fact that she had been sprayed by a skunk. She was so busy doing the before-mentioned actions that she didn't notice what was going on until Neph had grabbed her by the shirt and shoved her into PM's car.  
  
She had not been too busy, however, to ignore what Neph had said about the five Seto/Jounouchi fics. Egads, the horror!  
  
"I won't read them!" PM repeated as Neph started the beat-up car. "I won't I won't I won't I won't!"  
  
Two seconds later, the skunk sprayed again.   
**  
**Approximately twenty minutes later, two harried and extremely smelly writers got out of the car (which also smelled quite badly). The hissing and spitting skunk had an uncanny similarity to Psychotic!Ryou, so PM graciously volunteered to let Neph take care of holding the carrier.  
  
"Besides," PM added happily. "I think Skunkzilla likes you!"  
  
Neph grudgingly took the carrier from PM, grumbling all the while as she walked inside. "You had better make that ten Seto/Jounouchi fics if you want me to carry Skunkzilla. And no shit Skunkzilla likes me... or at least he prefers me over you, since it isn't my voice that keeps compelling him to spray." Neph was still not very happy about being covered in skunk spray yet again.  
  
Naturally, the two authors got some very strange looks as they walked through the airport, reeking of skunk and not looking much better than they smelled at the present. Of course, this did have one unexpected benefit. Rather than have to wait in line for an hour or two until they got to the front, somehow, upon their arrival and amidst much choking, the line seemed to evaporate, people seeming to be surprisingly put off by the aroma of skunk. Neph was quite pleased. "You know, I'll have to do this before I go on a fight next time... I could have the whole row to myself. Then again, they _do_ recirculate the air in there..." So, perhaps that wasn't such a good idea. It wouldn't do for the pilot to pass out or something.   
  
In any case, soon enough, Neph and PM were entrusting dear Skunkzilla to the special delivery animal handlers, and Neph was openly gawking at the sum of money she'd just had to pay. "You know, this had just better be worth it," she grumbled. "Who thought it would cost so damn much just to get a skunk delivered? Oh, well, at least there's a good chance Yami no Malik will deprive them of a few employees before all is said and done. I suppose the extra cost should cover hazard pay..."   
  
"Just remember," PM grumbled as they exited the airport. "This was all your fault. And if Yami no Malik comes after me, I'm directing him to you. Why? Because this is all your fault. And none of this would have happened if it wasn't for you. So you should at least be the first one killed if Yami no Malik comes after us. Which I still am convinced he is. At least when he comes we will be able to smell him coming. But is that supposed to make me feel better? Noooo. He can probably run faster even if we get a warning. He'll probably still kill us. He'll probably still..."  
  
What PM was going to say would never be heard. Because next thing anybody knew, Neph was dragging PM's unconscious body to the car.  
  
Of course, she had not been the one who had thrown a heavy book (the fifth Harry Potter book, to be exact) at PM's head. No, no, no. Why on earth would you ever think of a thing like that? 


	2. Odor Issues

**Authors' Notes:  **Hello all!  As promised, here is another chapter of "Sprayed"!  And now we start to get down to the truly amusing parts involving Yami no Bakura, Malik, Yami no Malik, and Ryou.  And more author notes from me, just as the vacationing PM dreaded.  She fears what I'll say here.  I have no idea why… just because she's got Ryuuji trapped in her basement…  Anyway~!  PM and I had a great time writing this.  Really, this fic has been a lot of fun for the both of us.  Thank you all so much for the reviews on the first chapter.  You do realize that by paying us so much attention, our heads are bound to swell.  Fear more authoress-related hijinks!  Anyway, I'll be putting up another chapter in a week or less, most probably, so look out for it.  Fear not, PM and I have a few more chappies stockpiled to last you until she's back.  And you can bet that I'll be eagerly plotting out more of this for PM's return. --Neph

Rnij and Mysterious A:  Well, you won't have to imagine much longer… hope you enjoy!

Gir:  Oh, you'll have to wait a wee bit longer for that, but we hope that the Yami no Malik reaction will be worth the wait!  And thank you so much!  

Gyakutenno Megami:  Er… we had no idea that others used the HP book as weapon!  Lol… And if you'd care to see Psychotic!Ryou somewhere, he will be putting in an appearance in our other fic, "Hanekaeri," in the future.  He's a bit… scary… 

Sarah aka Celebi:  Oh, it'll be a great showdown, trust me!  Coming very soon!

Elohcin's Hikari:  Hehehe… well, glad you're enjoying!  I don't know what else we could send him… I guess we'll just see how the skunk goes, maybe follow it up with a few peacocks for PM's sake.  

Yami Krissy:  Yes, anything to provoke Yami no Malik!  So glad you like it.  And it was a pretty fast update, I think!

Fuuga Kumi:  Thank you so much!  And the whole idea of throwing books at PM is to put her out of commission.  Nah, I'm kidding!  Need her to co-write things, so you know that she's in perfect working order unless she got attacked by an angry band of Norwegians on her trip…

Forbidden-Love:  Oh, it's a wee bit more complicated than that, but there will definitely be some Yami no Malik humiliation involved!  Hope your craziness has been held in check until now!

Yami no Elessara:  Well, wait no longer for the next bit!  So glad you like the idea!

Beverly:  Thank you!  Ha, take that, PM!  There's another one in the S/J column who is traumatized by your Yami fanart.  *shudders*  Hehehe… PM and I just have different tastes… some of the time.

Yami Mikan & co:  So glad you like it!  You'll definitely be seeing some more of pissed off Yami no Bakura in this fic!

Alicia:  Yes, there are going to be more chapters.  Several more!  Look for an update in about a week or so!  Thanks!

onlyHAUNTED:  Oh, Malik will be suffering… as will Ryou and Yami no Bakura.  Not to mention Yami no Malik!  I'm so glad that you like it!  Thanks for reading!

Mikazuki Kagaya:  Hehehe… don't worry!  PM is in perfect condition, unless she gets attacked by some Scottish soccer hooligans on her vacation.  Can't write these without her!  And PM does have skunk/peacock issues.  Oh, and I'm so pleased that we've turned someone on to L&O.  It's a great show!  And I must say, we're both getting overly fond of Skunkzilla.  Be afraid… be very afraid…

**Chapter 2**

**Odor Issues**

It had, of course, been rather easy to find Yami no Malik. After all, when one is a sadistic, darkness-loving freak, there are only so many places one can reside. And really, when one's hair is huge and spikey and one has a glowing eye on one's forehead, one tends to be something of a spectacle. So, it was unsurprising that Neph knew where to send the package.   
  
Yes, at present, said darkness-loving freak happened to be back in Domino and visiting at the home of one Bakura Ryou. Well, visiting would be a bit of a stretch. In truth, he'd just tracked Malik down, and that was where he happened to be residing at present.  
  
Yami no Malik needed to have a few words with his omote. Or, rather, needed to issue a few orders, make a few threats, and basically terrorize him. Ah, yes, that was it.  
  
Naturally, Yami no Malik was not one to knock. Nor was he one for using the doorbell. So, to put it politely, he simply let himself in, though to say that he blew the door off of its hinges might be more accurate.   
  
Unsurprisingly, no one was to be seen downstairs at present. That would be because certain activities were currently going on upstairs...  
  
Malik tilted his gaze up towards Yami no Bakura's, smirking seductively as he was pinned back against the bed. "I knew that I was right. I told you that they'd kill off the smallest one first. You really should learn to listen to me about these things, Bakura..." Malik purred, lavender eyes sparkling with amusement as he addressed Yami no Bakura in teasingly patronizing fashion. Malik would never tire of provoking the tomb robber, and indeed, judging by the other's irate expression, he'd managed to do so again. "Glaring at me won't make you right..." Malik taunted, wearing a smug little smile that he knew would vex the one above him even further.   
  
"Killing you might," Yami no Bakura replied in a flat voice as he eyed his koi. The smirk was really starting to annoy him, and he wondered what would be the best way to get rid of it. Although to be truthful, Yami no Baura had to admit that Malik had been right about which ball of fuzz would be killed first on that nature show that they'd been watching. But, being Yami no Bakura, he had an excuse. You see, during the conversation, the self-proclaimed king of thieves had been distracted by the smell of Malik's hair. Not that he was about to admit it, but his lover's hair had smelled quite nice. Not as good as blood, of course, but still quite nice.  
  
Malik smirked, and Yami no Bakura allowed a sneer to come onto his face. Even if Malik had been right, the Egyptian was still pinned and helpless. Which meant that Yami no Bakura was in control. Which meant that if he wanted to punish Malik, he could. Which meant that he would punish Malik. Which meant lots and lots of kinky....  
  
Yami no Bakura let the word slip to the back of his mind as he leaned closer to his lover, fully prepared to begin his punishment when the door slammed open.   
**  
**"Malik!" Ryou's shrill voice caused Yami no Bakura to growl as he resisted the urge to get up and pummel the yadonushi. "Your... you... Yami no Malik is downstairs and he's destroying the place! He's already destroyed the front door and most of the living room and if he gets to the kitchen...."  
  
Ryou's voice trailed off as he finally got an eyeful of what was going on in the bedroom. And it suddenly occured to him exactly why his Yami had always warned him not to enter the room without knocking.   
**  
**The teen turned a bright shade of red as he backed away from the angry glare his Yami was giving him. Although angry was probably a bit of an understatement. Yami no Bakura looked positively murderous, and his hand was already reaching over to grab a conveniently placed knife in order to chase his yadonushi off.  
  
"We're busy. Tell him to wait," Yami no Bakura growled in a voice that basically said the conversation was over.  
  
Normally, when Yami no Bakura used this voice, Ryou would quickly obey. This time though, Ryou showed a surprising amount of will by not leaving.  
  
Of course, this might have been due to the fact that he was frozen in place due to the traumatizing scene set before him....   
  
As it was, Malik found the interruption quite annoying. Just as he and Yami no Bakura were about to start doing... what they admittedly spent much of the time doing... there had been Ryou at the door, which alone might have simply amused Malik, since the poor creature had flushed bright red the moment he caught sight of their bodies being pressed together on the bed. Not to mention that Malik never minded having a bit of an audience.  
  
Of course, Yami no Bakura was far from patient with interruptions, and Malik had fully expected this one to be dealt with summarily until Ryou had mentioned his other character. This prompted a sigh from the flaxen-haired Egyptian. As impatient as Yami no Bakura was, he had an equal in Yami no Malik. For this reason alone, Malik was quite certain that they would not be allowed to do what they'd been on the verge of doing, particularly since it tended to take quite a while. Particularly when Yami no Bakura was looking as if he wanted to 'punish' him a bit...   
  
A sudden crash caused all of them to jerk... with the exception of Ryou, who was still frozen. Three seconds later, Ryou had more or less been thrown to the side like a ragdoll as the before-mentioned darkness-loving freak entered the bedroom, his red eyes flashing and the Eye glowing dangerously on his forehead.  
  
The effect might have been dramatic and frightning if it hadn't been the... say, twentieth time since Malik had moved into the Bakura residence.   
  


It came as no great shock to Malik that before Ryou had even managed to leave the room, Yami no Malik had found them and flung Ryou aside. "What is it this time?" Malik asked, rolling his eyes and wearing an expression somewhere between boredom and annoyance. After all, being underneath Bakura at the present moment was quite a safe place to be. And given the number of times that his other character had appeared here... and given the typical nature of his complaints, Malik had little patience for this right now.   
  
Of course, that was what came from having separate bodies that were still connected, meaning that if something happened to one, it often wound up happening to the other. Meaning that if Yami no Malik happened to be drinking someone's blood, the taste of blood might suddenly spring to Malik's mouth, as well. Hence, this had resulted in a series of orders being issued by Yami no Malik in an attempt to curtail various activities of Malik's that apparently had a detrimental effect on his person.  
  
"I hope this won't take too long..." Malik said, not bothering to try and move from where he was. "We were in the middle of something that I'd like to get back to..."   
  
"I wouldn't even have to come here if it wasn't for you!" Yami no Malik interrupted shrilly as he stalked right over to the couple. Before anybody could blink, psychotic Yami number one had wrenched psychotic Yami number two off his host, throwing the white-haired thief across the room. "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have all these problems! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have to suffer so much! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't even exist! This is all your fault!"  
  
Again, the speech might have been more effective if it had not been said before... and with no word variation at that.  
  
"So why don't you do both of us a favor and go jump off a cliff?" Yami no Bakura growled as he dragged himself up.  
  
"Uruse yo... I destroyed you in a batsu no game once, and I can do it again! And no damn pharaoh is going to be there to help you!" Yami no Malik barked as he grabbed his omote. He was about to shake him when a familiar smell reached him, at which point he paused, his rage mounting. *Then* he proceeded to shaking his poor host, screaming the entire time, "Floral-scented shampoo! Floral-scented shampoo! What in the name of Ra and Seth could have possessed you! Because of you, I smell like the fabric softener that Rishid uses! How am I supposed to cover the world in darkness if my head smells like floral-scented fabric softener?!"   
  
Malik had continued to wear an expression of jaded disinterest as Yami no Malik went into his familiar speech. He had absently wondered how many more times he was going to have to hear it. Really, as pleasant as it was knowing that his head wasn't going to just suddenly start aching and pounding and splitting into two, unleashing a being who would trap him within his body for an indefinite period of time, Malik did rather long for the days when Yami no Malik had simply been trapped within his body.  
  
No one had dared question his lifestyle choices then. Now, it seemed like every other week his other character was showing up and demanding that he change one behavior or another.  
  
An annoyed expression became more prominent on Malik's features as he watched Yami no Bakura suddenly get tossed across the room. He nearly wanted to second the motion about Yami no Malik jumping off of a cliff, especially after he threatened to destroy Yami no Bakura again. It was bad enough that they'd been interrupted, but Yami no Malik coming in here and making those kinds of threats... then again, that was nothing new, either. Yami no Malik tended to threaten just about everyone, after all.   
  
Too late, Malik realized that he should have been scrambling away from his other character's grasp instead of glaring up at the other and imagining him jumping off of a cliff. Just as he moved to get outside of grabbing range, Malik found himself caught by the shoulders.  
  
Shaking would inevitably follow, Malik knew. Once Yami no Malik began to hold him like this, it always prompted such an action. Still, a faintly fearful expression overtook Malik's features when Yami no Malik suddenly became far more enraged.   
  
For a moment, Malik was being shaken much too violently to comprehend the words that were being screamed at him. Finally, the words 'floral' and 'shampoo' seemed to leap out at him. "I use it because it smells nice, and Bakura likes it!" Malik shouted back, feeling angry that _this_ of all things was his Yami's complaint.   
  
Malik had noticed the tomb robber's tendency to bury his face in those flaxen locks quite frequently, particularly right after he'd just washed his hair with one of the offending floral shampoos, be it lilac, lavender, or lily-of-the-valley, which Malik alternated between using. He might very well have gone on to list the virtues of the shampoos (and conditioners, though he wasn't about to try and explain about why those were necessary to Yami no Malik), about how soft, shiny, and managable, they left his hair, if he hadn't just realized that Yami no Malik was actually comparing his shampoo to the fabric softener that Rishid used. Malik found the comparison highly offensive, and as the shaking died down a little, he flat out glared at his other character. "It smells nothing like that fabric softener! And I use floral-scented shampoo, so what? What difference does it make to you what your hair smells like? And I really don't see what you plan to do about it, anyway..." Malik added in a silken tone.   
  
Of course, he could probably guess what Yami no Malik might want to do to him, since it had probably been threatened at one point or another, if not actually carried out. Malik was spared from guessing, however, when the doorbell rang.   
  


There was a moment of silence as the three occupants (four including Ryou, who was finally waking up from the enormous amount of shock he had just received) froze, the doorbell an interruption to a very riveting point.  
  
Finally, meekly, Ryou muttered, "I'll go get it" as he moved for the stairs, the fact that there was no longer a door to open making him rather annoyed. Not angry, mind you… for Ryou knew that if he was to get angry at Yami no Malik, he'd probably be tossed off the canyon that his Yami had been speaking about most recently.  
  
"No!" Yami no Bakura barked as he suddenly remembered that he and Malik had just ordered some very… interesting stuff off of E-bay. Stuff that he did not want a certain innocent omote to see, especially since he had used Ryou's credit card to buy it. Not that he was scared of Ryou, of course. He just didn't want to deal with a screaming fit, now that he had promised not to send dark monsters after his host.   
**  
**"Why not?" Yami no Malik growled as the light dawned on him. Something that Yami no Bakura did not want his host to see? Sadistic red eyes turned to Malik and then to Yami no Bakura, and he smirked as he licked his lips while letting Malik go. "I see…."  
  
"I don't," Ryou mumbled, but an angry glare from Yami no Bakura immediately shut him up.  
**  
**"It's none of your business!" the thief barked angrily, although whether he was speaking to his host or the other Yami remained to be seen.  
  
"But Bakura," Yami no Malik smiled darkly as he finally released Malik, allowing him to drop to the ground, "this is my host, and I believe I have a right to see what you are subjecting him to."  
  
"No, you don't," Yami no Bakura growled, the Sennen Ring glowing dangerously as he walked up to the other Yami. There was, unfortunately, enough of a height difference to make Yami no Malik seem stronger than the white-haired thief, and this was not lost on any of the witnesses. "Perhaps you think that it's all right for you to barge in here at any point, and that's not my problem. But when you start to act like you own this place…"   
  
The doorbell rang again, more persistently this time. It was a wonder that whoever was there didn't just walk into the house… after all, there was no longer a door, Ryou remembered with quite a sulk. Bored with a scene that he had seen more than once, Ryou was about to walk down the stairs when his Yami screamed, "Don't you dare, yadonushi!"   
**  
**Unfortunately, while Yami no Bakura was distracted, Yami no Malik chose to walk right past the thief before anybody could protest. 


	3. The Spraying

**Authors' Notes:  **Well, now that FF.net is working once again, I can finally update!  Oh yes, PM and I have a fun chapter in store for you. And I'll update fairly soon, since this chappie had to wait for so long.  Thanks everyone for the reviews!--Neph

onlyHAUNTED:  Hehehe… Oh, I think the spraying is a definite must.  Yami no Malik needs to suffer from time to time, too, ne?  So glad you like the story!  We'll definitely continue!

Yami Krissy:  Ah, so glad you enjoyed our ranting Yami no Malik!  We had much fun with his tirades!  Had to pick something random for him to be angry about, after all.  Hope this chapter keeps you laughing!

Beverly:  Yes, well he was a bit distracted at the moment.  ::pats Malik::  Hee!

Mikazuki Kagaya:  Well, fear not! They wouldn't buy anything used.  That much we can attest to.  Though, there will not be Seto/Ryou in this fic.  Sorry!  Seto's kind of… involved with someone else already.  Oh, and Yami no Malik will get his fun soon enough!  Thanks!

Sarah aka Celebi:  Oh, Yami no Malik gets pissed off about a lot of things.  XD  We did have a lot of fun with the shampoo/fabric softener exchange!  And just wait until you see what we have in store!

Neko chan:  Don't tempt me!  You might wind up having your house ransacked by a pissed off Yami no Malik.  Then again, why do I get the feeling that you won't mind?  Oh, and you know that there's more Yami no Malik ahead.  We're just starting to have fun with him.  So glad that you're reading this!  Enjoy!

**Chapter 3**

**The Spraying (a.k.a. Damn the ball of hair!)**

Malik hadn't really been thinking about anything when the doorbell rang, which was probably helped by the fact that he was still being held aloft by his other character. He would have thought nothing of Ryou going down to answer it until Yami no Bakura grew so very insistent that he did not. It was only then that it occurred to Malik what Yami no Bakura might be worried about.   
  
For his own part, Malik didn't particularly care. It was sure to be packaged well, and they could always open it privately. And if Ryou saw, well, then it could be very educational for him. Unfortunately, Malik had no way of conveying this information to Yami no Bakura, because not only had Ryou himself been present, but his Yami was standing right there, as well. Standing right there and clearly getting a notion of what Yami no Bakura was thinking about...  
  
Malik had sighed wearily as he dangled in midair and gazed up at his other character. He could practically see his mind going towards the correct conclusion. As he had hit the ground, Malik had been somewhere between relief that he was no longer being held aloft, annoyance at the way his other character was provoking Yami no Bakura, and an acute awareness that Yami no Bakura was going to rise to the bait. Malik had seen this scene play out enough times to know that it would end more quickly if he just kept out of it. And Yami no Bakura could handle himself, Malik noted with a small smirk. It wasn't his fault if he found Yami no Bakura to be completely sexy when he was acting psychotic, enraged, or best of all, possessive.   
  
Jealously possessive Yami no Bakura was absolutely the most attractive thing to Malik of all...  
  
Anyway, as the doorbell sounded again, Malik thought to just go and answer it himself and thus spare Ryou the trouble of getting yelled at again or Yami no Bakura of getting more pissed off. Of course, Ryou hadn't realized or hadn't cared that when Malik climbed to his feet, he began to take a few steps towards the door. Before he could reach the exit, however, his Yami had arrived at it first, having completely ignored the fact that Yami no Bakura was barking orders at Ryou, while Malik had paused to watch.   
  
"Well, at least he's forgotten the shampoo..." Malik muttered to himself, turning to head out the door. Of course, there was a slight possibility that Yami no Bakura had not, but the notion that Yami no Bakura would even care didn't occur to the flaxen-haired male at the time.  
  
Meanwhile, downstairs, Yami no Malik had reached the front door--or rather, the place where the front door had once stood. Standing there before him was a most intriguing sight. A man, dressed all in bright orange and purple, as if he had been the victim of some sort of horrible vomiting incident, stood before him with a crate and an electronic device of some sort. "Why are you here?" Yami no Malik asked, grinning wickedly at the thought that a willing sacrifice to the darkness had surely just appeared on Ryou's doorstep.   
  
"To make a delivery," the man replied in businesslike fashion, handing the crate towards Yami no Malik. "Would you be able to accept this for the person called... Yami no Malik...? Or are you he?" the clueless delivery man asked, extending the electronic signature device hopefully towards Yami no Malik.  
  
"This is for me?" Yami no Malik asked, looking puzzled for a moment and gesturing towards himself with a thumb. Of course, though he accepted the package, he had no intention of accepting this electronic... thing... from the man. "I'll accept it," Yami no Malik said, wishing he had a door so that the pathetic idiot outside would come to understand that their business was now concluded.   
  
"But--but... You need to sign this, sir!" the deliveryman protested, frantically waving the electronic signature device at Yami no Malik.  
  
"I don't think so..." Yami no Malik replied, looking rather dangerous at the moment.  
  
"If you don't sign... I'll... I"ll take the package back!" the deliveryman spoke out in a rush of bravery... very foolish, badly-timed, and misplaced bravery. Yami no Malik just smirked evilly (it wasn't as if he smirked any other way), holding up the Sennen Rod in one, as usual, overly dramatic and flashy moment.  
  
Two minutes later, Ryou sighed as the sounds of screamiing came from outside. A quick glance at the window quickly confirmed Ryou's guess... the deliveryman was now running away from absolutely nothing at all. Of course, Ryou knew better than to think that air was chasing the deliveryman, especially after he had been stuck in the stomach of a monster for nearly a day. He was just lucky that he hadn't been digested.   
**  
**Meanwhile, Yami no Malik had watched in triumph as the dark monster he had summoned using his yami no chikara chased after the poor deliveryman, before he had remembered about the package. Frowning, he looked down at the... it seemed like a box, and it smelled very bad.  
  
Yami no Malik's mood immediately brightened. A bad smell? Bad smells, in Yami no Malik's experience, usually meant corpses. And corpses meant death. And death meant hours of entertainment for the sadistic and lonely. Both of which Yami no Malik was, as everyone who knew him tended to stay away from him.   
  
Smiling serenely now (an even more scary sight than certain writers trying to smile innocently), Yami no Malik opened the package with a quick series of knife cuts. If it smelled bad enough, he could always find some way to make some type of liquid from it to dump on Yami no Bakura. The white-haired thief annoyed him greatly anyway, and this way his omote would be suffering too, because who would have kinky... stuff... with somebody who smelled like a corpse?!  
  
Well, Yami no Malik would. And he had a feeling that Yami no Bakura would too. But they were psychotic, so they had an excuse.  
  
Well, Malik was somewhat psychotic as well... in his own way. Malik just wasn't olfactorily psychotic.   
  
Not even bothering to look at the address label (which had luckily been shredded to pieces in the cutting process), Yami no Malik flung the box open and prepared for a vision of absolute beauty... perhaps a bashed-in skull? Random body parts? DEATH?  
  
What he hadn't expected was a ball of black and white... fluff.  
  
Fluff?   
  
To be truthful, that wasn't what Yami no Malik thought. A word like 'fluff' would never have been in his vocabulary. He scowled as he reached in to grab the ball of black and white... hairs. Yes, that's what it was. Hair. Not hair that was soft and silky and smelled like fabric softener (damn his host!), but more rough and... very smelly. Extremely smelly.  
  
Meanwhile, the skunk had been lounging about in his prison after having devoured the can of cat food that the nice person had left him! What a nice person that woman was, Skunkzilla mused to himself. That was, of course, before being subjected to screechy whining and a great deal of turbulation, which had caused him to hit his head on the walls of his prison more than once.  
  
To put it frankly, this meant that Skunkzilla was very angry. And when his prison had finally been opened and Skunkzilla released, some... some... mere mortal had the audacity to grab him by his sleek, gorgeous, black and white fur! Somebody who smelled like fabric softener!  
  
Not that Skunkzilla knew what fabric softener was... that was beyond the point. The point was that Skunkzilla was not a very happy skunk. And a not very happy skunk was prone to do some serious damage due to the fact that he was not very happy.

The first thing that Skunkzilla did was actually not something that Yami no Malik would find wholly objectionable, masochism also being something in which he could indulge from time to time. As soon as that hand roughly grabbed onto Skunkzilla's fur, the unhappy skunk began twisting its head around. Skunkzilla wasn't going to take having his fur grabbed lightly, after all.   
  
Finally, as Skunkzilla writhed and twisted, he was able to get his head around into perfect biting position, and with a quick snap of the jaw, Skunkzilla's very sharp incisors chomped down on one of Yami no Malik's fingers. Skunkzilla was pleased to have drawn blood on the person so bold as to try to pick him, the mighty Skunkzilla up.  
  
Yami no Malik was typically not very vulnerable to pain, but the shock alone of being bitten by what appeared to be a ball of hair made him snap his hand back defensively, letting the skunk fall to the ground. Yami no Malik, being from Egypt, after all, was not familiar in the ways of skunks in general, and thus had no way of knowing that dropping the skunk to the floor was precisely what Skunkzilla had wanted him to do. One could bet that if Yami no Malik had been aware of Skunkzilla's wishes, he would have done the opposite, just to spite the creature for biting him.  
  
As it was, Skunkzilla was elated to find his four feet planted firmly on the ground. Finally, the unhappy, pissed off skunk was going to have a chance to spray someone other than PM and Neph. And after waiting all of those hours on the plane, Skunkzilla was good and ready to do just that. The little black creature jumped around, presenting Yami no Malik with its posterior and raising its tail.  
  
Yami no Malik gazed down at the creature in puzzled fashion. It seemed to be making a most obscene stance in his direction--perhaps its primative form of mooning. Yami no Malik narrowed his eyes and glared menacingly down at the skunk, leaning forward and intending to do it some bodily harm.   
  
Unfortunately, it was at that precise moment that Skunkzilla decided that its target was ripe for the spraying. Or perhaps it was fortunate, given that Skunkzilla might have very well wound up as a skunk-kebob if he had waited a few more moments to spray. It just depended on whose side one was on.  
  
The little skunk let forth a powerful blast of aroma-laden liquid. At this close range, its spray completely covered Yami no Malik. The odor rapidly filled the room, leaving Ryou's poor living room in quite a bad state indeed. This was to say nothing of Yami no Malik, who was in a worse state odor-wise than the living room itself. At the very least, it was quite certain that his hair no longer smelled anything like flowers or fabric softener for that matter. It smelled like nothing but skunk, pure and simple... So did the rest of Yami no Malik...   
  


*****  
  


Upstairs, Yami no Bakura chose to allow Yami no Malik to survive (aka he was too scared to go after him... although we would never say it that way) in order to take care of something much more important. Before anyone could say anything, he whirled on his lover and demanded rather shrilly, "FLORAL-scented shampoo? You've been using FLORAL-scented shampoo?!"  
  
Malik couldn't help but look offended, "I thought you liked it!"   
**  
**Well, yes, he did.. but he wasn't about to ADMIT that. Quickly pushing aside the thoughts about how he had really been enjoying the flowery scent, he continued to rant instead, "But... it's FLOWERS. Since when did you use a FLORAL-scented shampoo?! It's... it's... it's. I can't believe you use it! That's the type of stuff the yadonushi will use! Have you been taking it from him or something?!"  
  
As a matter of fact... that was exactly what had happened.  
  
"I ran out of shampoo one day, and I couldn't use your stuff because you don't have any conditioner. So I had to borrow Ryou's."  
  
Ryou squeaked and immediately backed out of the room. Which was a good thing because before one could say 'oops', Yami no Bakura was running right after him screaming like a banshee, "So this is YOUR fault, yadonushi!!"   
  
Of course, it was not Ryou's fault that Malik had been quite pleased with the results or that Bakura had seemed particularly ardent in his affections the night after he'd used it. And it was most certainly not Ryou's fault that Malik had gone out and purchased several different varieties of floral-scented shampoo so that he wouldn't use up all of Ryou's.  
  
Perhaps Ryou did encourage Malik just the teensiest bit... commenting on how nice his hair smelled after he'd switched shampoos... but it still wasn't really his fault. On top of that, Malik didn't exactly see why it was such a huge deal to anyone what his shampoo was scented with.  
  
And he _knew_ that Yami no Bakura liked it. Malik _knew _that this was really about Yami no Bakura being pissed off about liking the smell of the floral-scented shampoo more than anything else. And he meant to call him on it.  
  
So, luckily for Ryou, Malik burst in through the door of his room only seconds after Yami no Bakura had cornered him in there. And luckily for all involved save Yami no Bakura, Malik lunged forward at the tomb robber as soon as he was inside the room, using his momentum to propel Yami no Bakura away from Ryou and towards the back wall, where he proceeded to pin him.   
  
"Bakura, stop being unreasonable," Malik said calmly, fixing Yami no Bakura with a steady gaze. He knew better than to tell Yami no Bakura to calm down. Had Ryou not been present, Malik would have begun to argue that he knew that Yami no Bakura liked the scent of the shampoo already, so there was no point in him trying to cover that fact up.  
  
Given how proud Yami no Bakura was, though, and given the fact that his omote was in the room, Malik knew that making such an argument now would only have the opposite of its intended effect, with Yami no Bakura growing angrier and more impassioned in his supposed distaste. Malik knew Yami no Bakura well enough not to reveal any remotely embarrassing secrets about the tomb robber, or more importantly, any private softness that passed between the two of them (Yami no Bakura would hardly want to confess to burying his face in Malik's hair, now would he?) when they were in the company of others.   
  
Fortunately, Malik also knew Yami no Bakura well enough to make another, similarly efficacious argument Ryou's presence. "If you'd just listen to me for a minute, you'd see why leaving my shampoo choice alone is precisely the best thing to do. By now, we both know that my Yami no Jinkaku hates the smell. He wants it to stop. I can't think of a better way to piss him off than to keep making him smell floral," Malik said, smirking darkly. "And think of how you could mock him..." Malik knew that this idea would prove to be enticing for the tomb robber, to say the least. "Besides, it doesn't smell so bad, now does it? Really, I doubt that you'd ever even notice what my hair smells like."   
  
Malik knew when to lie. He was confident that Yami no Bakura liked the scent, and this was a good chance to remind him of that fact. "Smell my hair now and judge for yourself. I believe that you'd find that lily of the valley is not an unpleasant scent. And it's poisonous, so keeping the shampoo around could come in handy," Malik added, smirking again. "Helpful in keeping Ryou in line," he added, winking teasingly at the omote, before he gathered a handful of his hair and extended it towards Yami no Bakura. "Here, smell it for yourself..."   
  
Yami no Bakura sighed as he glared at Malik. He had a suspicion that his lover already knew that he had liked the smell... HAD liked, being the key word. He didn't like it anymore, now that he knew what it was. In fact, he probably hadn't liked it in the first place! That had just been a hallucination caused by the smell. So it was really okay. He didn't like the floral scent. And Malik's reasons weren't very convincing, although he liked the idea of annoying Yami no Malik. If one hadn't noticed, Yami no Bakura had a thing for annoying Yami no Malik. Well, he had a thing for annoying everyone. But again, that was not the point.  
  
"I don't need to smell it to know that I won't like it," Yami no Bakura growled as he again turned to face Ryou, who had been trying to sneak out of the room. Next thing the poor white-haired omote knew, he was trapped in yellow glowy-stuff. Which meant he was trapped. Which meant he couldn't move. Which meant he was royally screwed unless Malik did something to help him. And that was a 50-50 deal... sometimes Malik helped him, but sometimes he let Yami no Bakura torture him. Well, not torture him... but yell and annoy him. And that was bad enough already.  
  
Luckily for Ryou, Malik was feeling benevolent as he shook his gorgeous strands of perfect hair (in another part of Domino, a certain raven-haired teen gritted his teeth at getting the limelight stolen away from HIS precious hair) at Yami no Bakura with an expectant look.   
  
"Come on, Bakura...." Malik whispered in an almost seductive way. Well, it was seductive, to be frank... and Yami no Bakura liked it very, very much.  
  
The evil, white-haired Yami sighed in the usual bout of self-sacrifice, as he finally released the spell on Ryou, leaning over to smell Malik's hair. Part of him was very happy though! The floral scent, the beautiful lily of the valley scent. Oh, he was getting the shivers just thinking about it...! So wonderful, so lovely! So....  
  
The warm and fuzzy feeling did not last long. Especially since right at the moment Yami no Bakura took a whiff of Malik's hair, Yami no Malik happened to be getting sprayed by a skunk.  
  
And what happens to the Yami tends to happen to the omote.   
  



	4. A Scent that Will Linger

**Disclaimer:  **We do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, and hence do not own any of the characters, save Skunkzilla, since after being sprayed by him, we feel a certain proprietary claim over him.

**Authors' Notes:  **First off, happy birthday to PM!  Yes, the lovely PM has just had a birthday, and now she's sadly off on vacation once again.  Fortunately, we got a bit of writing done while she was back, so things can still be updated.  So, behold, here is another chapter!  Enjoy! –Neph

Nalan:  So glad that we could amuse you!  I hope you're having fun in Japan!  And here, at long last, is more!  Enjoy!

onlyHAUNTED:  Yes, I do believe that you are correct!  Not a happy smell for Bakura at all!  Now, please do enjoy the Yami no Malik amusement in this chapter!  And you may very well see Pharaoh somewhere in the fic sooner or later…  Thanks for reading!

Kami Beverly:  Yes, Bakura and Malik haven't had the best of luck in this fic!  It's not going to get much better for awhile, I'm afraid…  Glad we could give you a laugh!

Mikazuki Kagaya:  Lol… we like living on the edge?  And yes, poor Malik indeed.  Then again, if he liked the smell, we might be out of a fic… not to mention how truly vile it is.  Just ask PM!  Thanks for sticking with our little ficcie!

Yami Krissy:  Hee!  You made a pun.  I'm very amused by puns, and I don't know why.  And yes, the deliveryman should have known better.  Maybe FedEx needs to add a 'delivering to psychopaths' training seminar?

Chibi-Yami no Bakura:  Yes, we remember you!  So glad the floral-scented shampoo could both amuse and freak you out a little.  And you may see Pharaoh in here sooner or later…  Yes, bad for Yami no Bakura, but worse for Malik who now smells like skunk!  And you feel our skunk pain?  Perhaps we should form a club… for victims of skunks…  Thanks for coming back to our fic!  We aren't exactly too kind to Yami no Malik in this chapter, so fear not!

**Chapter 4**

**A Scent that Will Linger**

The warm and fuzzy feeling did not last long. Especially since right at the moment Yami no Bakura took a whiff of Malik's hair, Yami no Malik happened to be getting sprayed by a skunk.  
  
And what happens to the Yami tends to happen to the omote.   
**  
**Ryou had finally made it out of the room when he suddenly heard a loud bellow. Before he could blink, Yami no Bakura came rushing out of the room, practically screeching. And downstairs, another Yami was having his own fit.  
  
Ryou's stomach seemed to drop to his toes as he recognized the smell. He had been to America before, and he had smelled it before.  
  
And in the living room, Skunkzilla cackled maniacally (in his head, at least) as he used his tail to inflict a mighty blow on the sofa. Unfortunately, he had made a mistake when it came to estimating his strength, and just ended up bruisng his furry tail.  
  
Malik watched as Yami no Bakura leaned in to inhale the scent of his hair. He'd anticipated that the other would conceal his pleasure in doing so (in the hopes of keeping Malik from being smug later on, though he naturally would be), but Malik had not been expecting a reaction of this sort. His lavender eyes widened, holding a stunned look as he watched Yami no Bakura's expression turn to one of purest disgust. The next thing Malik knew, Yami no Bakura was making a high-pitched sound and fleeing from the room.   
  
The flaxen-haired Egyptian frowned, wondering what could have prompted such a response, before he drew his hair towards his own nose. Before he'd even gotten close, Malik could smell it. Instead of its characteristic lovely, aromatic floral scent, his hair now smelled terrible. Absolutely, utterly disgusting--like he'd bathed in something rotten.  
  
Malik gasped, wearing a horrified expression, and then proceeded to rush out of the room after Yami no Bakura, determined to find out just what his own Yami had done. Malik could only assume that this was Yami no Malik's means of revenging himself for the floral-scented shampoo. But still... this was beyond horrible.   
  
Even his other character couldn't live like this, could he? Malik most certainly hoped not. The horrible smell was already driving him crazy with the urge to jump into the shower. If Malik had thought it would truly help, he wouldn't have hesitated to do so.  
  
As it was, Malik found himself in the living room, alongside the other three, who were all staring at a small black and white furry creature. "Skunk?" Malik whispered in a stricken voice, turning towards Ryou in the desperate hope that he was wrong. This once, Malik wanted more than anything to be wrong. Please, it could not possibly be that his Yami had been sprayed by a skunk. Were there even skunks in Japan? Malik didn't really know, and he turned towards Ryou again, hoping against hope that he was mistaken. Malik was so intent on the skunk that he hardly saw what his own Yami was doing.  
  
Yami no Malik, upon having been sprayed, had gone into what seemed like a sort of a fit. His nose had twitched several times at the powerfully awful aroma. It was truly vile. Then he began moving, as if trying to shake the scent free from his body, making several soft gagging noises as he did so. Yami no Malik didn't know what that little black hairball had done to him, but whatever it was, whenever he recovered from this, the hairball would pay. That hairball was going to be skewered--no, that might release more of that smell; so, sacrificed to the darkness instead. Yes, that was it. Then all of Yami no Malik's previous victims might have a chance to encounter that horrible smell in their own collective eternal purgatory of darkness. Yami no Malik threw back his head and laughed maniacally, unaware that said furball was now moving away from him.  
  
Skunkzilla licked his wounded tail for a few moments, but when too many humans began to appear, he felt rather nervous. And yet, victory was still his. In the most taunting maneuver he could muster with a bruised tail (and the lady skunks had always chittered at how effective it was), Skunkzilla went into his victory dance. Rather, prance. The tiny black creature hopped around the room vigorously, fluffing his tail with pride, before he vanished out the hole that was left where the front door had once stood. It was worth the bruised tail to spray such an annoying human. After all, the mighty Skunkzilla would be fine.

A long silence followed Yami no Malik's insane laughter once the four noticed that the skunk had 'mysteriously' disappeared before a small whimper escaped from Ryou.  
  
"My… living room."  
  
Before Ryou could blink, he had been grabbed by the shirt and shoved against the wall by his insane Yami, whose eyes were now fiery. All in all, he looked very scary and particularily murderous. Of course, Ryou knew that his Yami wouldn't kill him… Yami no Bakura needed his body and that would just be a stupid thing to do. But considering the look on Yami no Bakura's face, Ryou really hoped that Yami no Bakura would remember that before they were both dead.  
  
"Your… your living room?!" Yami no Bakura screamed as he shook Ryou in a way that greatly resembled the way Yami no Malik had been shaking Malik (it seemed that many people were having shaking problems). "YOUR living room?! What about my boyfriend?! He smells like… like… like him!!"  
  
Yami no Bakura gestured at Yami no Malik angrily. The other Yami didn't even notice… he was busy doing a little dance in an attempt to get rid of the smell.  
  
To be frank, it didn't work. The smell just seemed to get worse, and the dance made the usually scary Yami look… well, comical. And since Yami no Malik was just not supposed to look comical, the entire effect ended up to be disturbing.  
  
Malik, who admittedly did not smell quite as bad as Yami no Malik, was also in a state of torment. Even though he didn't smell as bad as getting sprayed at a *very* close range by a skunk, he still smelled *bad*. And he knew that because it was his Yami who had been sprayed, the smell would not be going away until they managed to wash Yami no Malik.   
  
While the two had lived together, Malik had learned something very interesting about Yami no Malik: he didn't wash. Well, not often at least. About… say… once he started smelling really bad and Isis was threatening his life. Yami no Malik actually looked up to Isis, who he viewed as being a worthy adversary. If Malik hadn't known better, he would have said that Yami no Malik was allergic to water.   
  
However, this fear of bathing was going to cause some problems. Malik had a sinking suspicion that Yami no Bakura would not be letting him in the same bed if Malik continued to smell like skunk, and no matter how many times Malik did wash, the smell would not be going away. He would have to find some way of convincing his Yami to wash… and not just wash in water, but tomato juice. That was, he remembered, the only way of getting rid of skunk smell.  
  
Or was it grape juice?   
  
Malik thought that if he could just act fast, there was a chance that Yami no Malik wouldn't quite understand all that a tomato juice bath entailed. Well, that was being overly optimistic, but at the least, if the shock of being sprayed was still fresh in his mind, there was a good chance that the psychotic being would be somewhat more amenable to suggestions than he would be under normal circumstances.   
  
Of course, proposing a solution to Yami no Malik required approaching him, which was something of a terrifying prospect as he continued doing his dance, which was punctuated frequently by very disturbing laughter as the Yami pondered what exactly he would do to Skunkzilla.  
  
"You are aware that we both now stink," Malik stated bluntly, drawing cautiously towards the other.   
  
Yami no Malik paused in mid-shake to gaze over at his omote, wrinkling his nose a bit. "Of course," he growled in response. "That ball of hair is going to be sacrificed to the darkness."  
  
Malik felt the urge to bang his head against the wall. He really didn't care what happened to the skunk, though if his other character went after it, he could only imagine the spraying that would surely ensue. Could this situation get any worse? He now had a Yami who was obsessed with getting revenge against a skunk.   
  
Malik knew better than to try and talk Yami no Malik out of it. That would be tantamount to guaranteeing that he would do just that. And at present, Malik was more concerned about how they both smelled than future re-acquisition of this odor.  
  
"I'm not talking about the cause of the problem. I'm talking about fixing it," Malik said, wearing a determined expression. 

Yami no Malik raised his eyebrows and shifted his full attention to Malik now, red eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Fixing it?"  
  
"If you don't do something about it, you're going to reek of skunk indefinitely," Malik said, trying to remain calm, though the smell was making him want to drown himself in a variety of different scents. Anything to not smell this reek of skunk that surrounded him like a cloud.  
  
Yami no Malik shrugged carelessly. "I am confident that it will fade in time. The scent of the ball of hair has no power next to my own. My own body odor will overcome it. Really, it will soon see that spraying me was quite a folly."  
  
Malik twitched at his other character's words. How could anyone possibly be so arrogant and stupid all at once? Of course, at times, Yami no Bakura was a bit like that, but never to such a ridiculous extent. And at the very least, Malik had means of _persuading _Yami no Bakura when it was necessary. Still, he had to try. "I don't think you quite understand what you're dealing with. This is one of the most powerful and disgusting scents that there is, and from the smell of it," Malik's nose twitched a bit (giving him a comically rabbit-like appearance for a moment), "you were sprayed from close range. No matter how powerful you are, the smell is _not_ going to just go away! You need to do something about it now, or we'll both be stuck smelling like skunk for gods know how long!" Malik cried, growing a bit desperate.  
  
As soon as he'd uttered the words, Malik knew that it had been a mistake to bring himself into it. A sadistic grin turned up the corners of Yami no Malik's mouth, and he leaned in towards Malik. "You don't like smelling this way, Malik? Does it _bother_ you to smell like a skunk?" he asked, his red eyes alight with a wicked glee. "Perhaps just as it bothers me to have my hair smelling like Rishid's fabric softener...?" he added in a soft, suggestive voice.   
  
Malik gazed at Yami no Malik with an increasingly horrified expression. This could not be happening. There was no way that Yami no Malik would walk around smelling like a skunk in some sort of twisted attempt at revenge for the floral-scented shampoo. And yet, Malik knew that it was exactly like his other character to do so. "You don't want to do this, Yami! Onegai, just let us give you a bath, and I swear, I'll stop using the shampoo you don't like! Anything, just let us make you stop smelling like skunk," Malik pleaded. He really, really did not want to remain like this. Particularly since he and Bakura didn't tend to go without doing things for any length of time, and Malik didn't want to know what would happen if they had to. Though he fully anticipated that if he continued to reek of skunk, they would soon find out.   
  
Of course, now Yami no Malik was quite enjoying this. He wasn't about to let Malik off the hook, particularly after his omote mentioned a bath. "And what exactly do you plan to do about it?" he asked, mimicking Malik's earlier tone. "I don't fancy taking a bath anytime soon. So, I don't think that I will..." Yami no Malik flashed another smile of cruel amusement at his omote and Yami no Bakura and then began heading for the hole that lingered where the door had been.   
  
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Yami no Bakura turned away from where he had been terrorizing his host to glare at the other Yami. "You're not leaving while my koi smells like he has been dragged through road kill and garbage. You're not leaving this place until you take a bath!"   
  
"And how are you going to make me do that?" Yami no Malik sneered as he took another step towards the door. "Don't forget that you are nothing compared to me. You couldn't beat me when the Sennen Rod and your *life* was on the stake. I doubt you can defeat me just because you want to have sex with your little toy. There other are *reasons* why people exist on this damnable planet, you realize."   
  
Malik's mouth opened and closed like a fish as he tried to think of an argument to that in defense of his lover. Although both of them readily admitted that they were in it for… well, you guessed it… the more *intimate* part of a relationship, deep down they really did care for each other.  
  
Just not enough to sleep with each other until a de-skunkification had taken place.  
  
However, before Malik could think of anything to say, Yami no Bakura had decided to play hero by running in front of the psychotic Yami. Well, technically they were both psychotic Yami's, but one was usually thought of as being more psychotic than the other. Not that it was a contest of any sort… no judge would want to pick between the two of them.  
  
"I said you're not going anywhere, and I meant it," the white-haired spirit growled as he glared up at Yami no Malik. "You heard Malik… you will not leave until he no longer smells like skunk!"   
  
"And how do you think you will accomplish that?" was the calm reply as Yami no Malik started to glow in a very threatening manner. It might have been more threatening if he didn't smell like essence of skunk. Or if the very humorous memory of a dancing Yami no Malik wasn't doing cartwheels in the mind of the other three occupants of the room. "Do you really want to tempt the fates again?"   
  
"Yami Bakura! Yami Malik!" Ryou moaned. As usual, everyone ignored him.  
  
"I'm sure that after a batsu game, we won't have to worry about how you smell anymore," the spirit of the Sennen Ring was also starting to glow, his eyes narrowed.  
  
Ryou was really starting to panic right now. The last thing he wanted was a yami no game in the middle of his living room… after all, he already had enough problems now that his door was gone and living room smelling like a skunk. Not to mention the fact that Yami no Malik had destroyed a great deal of furniture during his rampage, so there probably wasn't much for the poor teen to save.   
**  
**But… that was not the point! The point was that… he was not going to have a yami no game in the middle of his living room! And that was that!  
  
"Yamete kudasai!" he begged.  
  
And everyone ignored him.  
  
 


	5. Plans for an Unwilling Bath

**Disclaimer:  **We do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, and hence do not own any of the characters, save Skunkzilla, since after being sprayed by him, we feel a certain proprietary claim over him.

**Authors' Notes:  **Yes, PM is back, but unfortunately, now school is back in session.  Fear not, because we've been adding to this fic by leaps and bounds.  It's been getting the bulk of our attention of late.  So, we've already got a few more chapters in the can.  Enjoy this one!  Thanks for all the reviews! –Neph

Impish Pixie:  Thank you!  So glad you think so.

silverwolf:  We will definitely continue!  So glad that you found the whole insane premise of this fic as amusing as we did.  Thank you!

Rya:  While we can't comment on the apron, there may be some floral 'activities' going on later.  *grin*

onlyHAUNTED:  I'm afraid Ryou won't be going anywhere just yet.  XD  On the plus side, certan disasters may yet be averted.  So glad you enjoyed the chapter!  Thanks for sticking with us!

Neko-baka-chan-chan:  Hee!  So glad you liked it!  What can we say?  Don't read Coke whilst reading this?  *innocent smile (yes, I learned that from PM, so be afraid!)*  Thank you so much for all of the blush-worthy praise!  We both knew that PM's secret obsession with Yami no Malik would come to light someday.  *whistles*  She's gonna hurt me for saying that… given that I might have had a teeny hand in bringing him into this… but~!  We know she secretly yearns to write about him.  Anyway, keep making Yami no Malik requests like that, and you might wind up with a disturbing cameo appearance in this at some point.  At least for PM and I to duck behind.  XD

Haru-chan:  Oh, it gets much worse!  But fear not, Malik is not without his own whiles!  Enjoy!

Yami Krissy:  Yes, and it isn't going to get much better for poor Ryou, I'm afraid.  On the other hand, as you guessed, Yami no Malik isn't one to go easily into a tomato bath… so… not a good day for anyone, really.  XD  Thanks for reading!

**Chapter 5**

**Plans for an Uwilling Bath**

Ryou looked around hopelessly at all the still unbroken things that were bound to become little pieces when the monsters summoned in the yami no game escaped. And he *knew* they would escape. The *last* time the two Yami's had engaged in a duel, half the monsters had escaped and gone on a total rampage in Domino. Ryou had to go to the Turtle Game Shop and beg on his hands and knees for Yami no Yuugi to help contain the creatures, and that was only after promising to help work on the game shop for a month… for free, nonetheless! And what did his Yami do the entire time after he helped save him?  
  
He laughed.  
  
*After* chewing Ryou out for asking the pharaoh for help. After all, in the thief's words, he would have been absolutely fine because he had no intention of helping anyway! Yami no Bakura didn't think it strange to have a bunch of Duel Monsters running around Domino destroying buildings… and Yami no Malik only wanted to join in the fun.   
**  
**But returning to the laughing bit, Yami no Bakura had laughed at Ryou, grabbed Malik's wrist, and run off to their room where strange sounds immediately began to come from it.  
  
Ryou had not been a very happy person that day.  
**  
**Not to imply that he was usually a happy person when it came to Yami no Bakura's antics. It would be safe to say that Ryou was, at best, relunctantly tolerant of Yami no Bakura and his lover. Ryou would like nothing more than for them both to move out, but since he had no way of saying that without risking losing a couple of limbs, he usually kept his mouth shut.

It might very well have been Ryou's lucky day. Because while his objections and rather desperate pleas were destined to be ignored by Yami no Malik and Yami no Bakura, Malik himself had decided to step in and intervene. Of course, he wasn't doing it for Ryou's sake or even for the sake of Ryou's house. Malik was not the sort to care too much about such things.  
  
And had it been anyone else who had wanted to step in and play savior for him, Malik would have been more than happy to stand back and let them try to handle his other character. The end result would have been either them managing to help him or winding up suffering whatever fate Yami no Malik was in the mood to deal out. Either way, Malik wouldn't have worried over it too much... except that this was Yami no Bakura.   
  
As it had been admitted earlier (though only internally), he and Yami no Bakura cared about each other. They never would have been able to live together were that not the case. Truly, they wouldn't have _wanted _to live together if that were not the case. After all, two people can indulge in the physical aspect of a relationship quite well without living together. Many people, in fact, did so.  
  
The truth was, deep down, Malik had the sneaking suspicion that his feelings for Yami no Bakura went deeper than just caring. Of course, he would never say anything to Yami no Bakura unless the other one brought it up first. As one who knew Yami no Bakura well, Malik was well aware of the fact that it would be quite unwise for one to go to Yami no Bakura and confess to being in love with him. He doubted the tomb robber would be receptive to such a revelation, and in truth, even Malik had no idea what he would do were one to be made.  
  
_That's even assuming that I am... _Still, all signs pointed to that being the case. There were many small examples, but the one at hand was a very good one. Here, Malik was about to step in and intervene with Yami no Malik even though he knew that it was not a particularly wise thing to do. And chances were that Yami no Bakura would act angry with him about it, even if he were somewhat relieved were Malik to successfully avert the confrontation.   
  
Malik was just not going to let anything happen to Yami no Bakura again. Particularly not at his own Yami's hands. Not to mention that the flaxen-haired Egyptian was beginning to feel quite a bit of ire on his own behalf.   
  
In the first place, he was quite insulted to be referred to as Bakura's toy by Yami no Malik, now that he thought about it. _Malik _was the one who had created Yami no Malik in the first place. He wasn't some plaything and he wasn't some inconsequential omote like Ryou. Malik had done many things himself in the past. Granted, they weren't as viscious and all-encompassing as what Yami no Malik had tried to do, but still...  
  
Once again, Malik wished that he had the Sennen Rod back. If Yami no Malik were deprived of his best weapon, then all of these threats and demands that he kept making would be meaningless. Then _Malik_ would have the upper hand and his other character could see how he liked the constant scent of floral shampoo. How he hated that what had once been his own weapon was now constantly being used as a means of threatening Yami no Bakura and keeping him in line.  
  
Unlike all of the other times that Malik had followed this train of thought, this time, he decided to do something about it. Damn it all, he could be quite cunning and clever when he wished to be. Who was better than he at manipulating situations to his advantage. He just needed to find a way to make Yami no Malik bathe in tomato juice and get the Sennen Rod back in the process. Then they'd see who took orders from whom. And then Malik could work on finding some way of severing this annoying connection between them. Not that it would work, but an Egyptian could dream, couldn't he?  
  
As it was, Malik didn't have time to be lost in thought now. He threw himself forward, coming between psychotic Yami numbers one and two. Malik's lavender eyes narrowed as he glared up at Yami no Malik. "If you refuse to be reasonable, then I will have no choice but to take matters into my own hands. I'm sure as hell not going to walk around smelling like this until you get it through your head that it's both an awful smell and on top of that, it's one that you won't simply overcome."  
  
Then Malik's lips curled into a knowing smirk, as a scheme suggested itself to him. "You aren't immune to all things. I happen to know what you like, Yami. Why don't you just come back here tomorrow, and perhaps I'll have something to offer you that you won't be willing to refuse. And then maybe we can make a deal..." Of course, that wasn't Malik's entire plan, but it should be enough to convince his other character to return, especially in light of the rather suggestive gleam in Malik's eyes at the moment. His other character would know that what Malik was offering him was bound to be something delicious at that look...

Despite the fact that Ryou wanted the whole ordeal to end and to get Yami no Malik out of the house, he couldn't help but start screaming when he realized exactly what Malik was saying. It was a shrill, high-pitched shriek that caused everyone in the vicinity to wince (especially a certain waddling skunk, who was so shocked that he 'accidentally' sprayed a conveniently placed passerby, eliciting more screams).  
  
"NO! Malik Ishtal, you are not going to be doing anything of the sort in this house!" he yelped as thoughts began to bombard him. Oh dear, the things the rather insane Egyptian could think of! How could he even contemplate such a thing, especially since it wasn't even his house! He didn't even help pay rent or buy groceries! Ryou was the one stuck supporting three people (including himself), and look at what had happened because of the goodness of his heart!   
**  
**Not only was he missing a door and now the very un-proud owner of a skunk-smelling living room (where two psychotic beings were now planning to hold a yami no game in), but now Malik wanted to convert his house into... into... he didn't even know the word for such a thing! The possibilities were endless, and he didn't want to entertain any of them.  
  
To the shock of everyone, Ryou finally decided to put his foot down. "Malik, if you want to do this you're going to have to find some other place to do it! And you two!" The usually mild-mannered omote whirled on the two dark beings, who were staring at him in awe. "You will be leaving this house right now if you think... if you think you're going to destroy anything else! Do you know how long it's going to take me to clean this place? Do you know how much effort this is going to take me? I'm not going to stand for this anymore, do you understand?!"   
**  
**A long silence followed his outburst before Yami no Malik stuck the Sennen Rod in his belt and turned to his omote, "So, you were saying?"  
  
"I mean it!" Ryou repeated, although less emphatically and much more weakly than he had been before. The poor teen already knew that he had lost, but that didn't stop him from fighting the possibility of his home being converted into a playground for a murderous, cruel, and maniacal hentai!  
  
"Oh, do be quiet," Yami no Bakura scowled as he grabbed Ryou by the shoulder. Before Ryou knew what was going on, he had been locked in the closet under the stairs.   
**  
**Of course, Yami no Bakura did this all for the benefit of his lovely koi (although he would never admit it). Of course, he did not entertain the idea that he would be able to see these... well, delicious sights that Malik was proposing. Of course, he did not care at *all* that he was going to be a very, very happy thief when the next day came rolling along. Why would you ever think of such a thing?  
  
In the meantime, Yami no Malik was considering Malik's proposal. It seemed that his poor omote was very desperate, and would be willing to do anything to get him to take a bath. He shivered involuntarily at that point... he really didn't like baths. And it wasn't like the smell was even *that* bad... honestly, Malik just hadn't been around enough rotting corpses lately.  
  
Not like that was the point though. Malik obviously wanted to get rid of the smell, and he was offering Yami no Malik something very... well, he couldn't think of the word, but he did know that he was very inclined to take the offer. After all, Malik's proposal was also giving him some time to hunt down the wretched ball of black and white fur in order to cause some serious, serious damage. And it was also giving him enough time to prove that his body odor was, like the rest of him, superior to all things including this smell. Wouldn't Malik be surprised if he came striding in the next day, smelling perfectly fine?   
**  
**Honestly, he couldn't see any downsides to the proposal. Not to imply that he saw any downsides to running around smelling like skunk for the rest of his life. *That* would show his omote what it was like to smell like Rishid's fabric softener... oh, the utter humiliation of trying to terrorize innocents while smelling like lily of the valley! Certainly, he didn't know the flower's name... it had just been an accident! Something Rishid or Isis had mentioned in passing conversation.  
  
"All right. You've got a deal."   
  
Malik wore a small, triumphant smile at Yami no Malik's words. He knew that the other's arrogance would lead him to assume that Malik was planning to do nothing more than to try and bargain to get his original scent back. That was just not quite the truth. Malik knew very well that his other character had no compunctions about lying to him or breaking his promises. So, Malik would certainly just make sure for himself that such a thing was impossible. Not only that, he would get the Sennen Rod back and then he would smell as lovely as a whole vale of flowers, and there would be nothing that Yami no Malik could do about it.  
  
Of course, realizing that he was on the verge of looking entirely too happy, Malik quickly narrowed his eyes up at his other character, looking rather suspicious. "Good. And you'd just better not go back on it once you decide you want what I'm going to have prepared for you. I am NOT going to go through all this effort just to have you back out. And one other thing... trust me, it'll be well worth your while..." Malik added with a suggestive smirk.   
  
Yami no Malik regarded Malik with a dark, rather feral grin. "And what are you going to do about it if I do, shujinkou-sama?" How he loved taunting Malik when there was nothing whatsoever his omote could do about it. And really, when was there ever anything that Malik could do? His omote wasn't fool enough to go up against him. "I guess that you're just going to have to trust me..." Yami no Malik taunted, chuckling darkly to himself as he headed for the hole where the door had once stood. He was going to leave Malik in doubt and feeling frustrated. What a wonderful way to make an exit...  
  
There was a moment of silence after the dark being had departed before Yami no Bakura grabbed Malik by the shirt, shoving him into the door of the closet which Ryou had been unceremoniously locked in, "What do you think you're doing?!"  
  
"Getting rid of the smell," Malik replied calmly.  
  
(A wail escaped from the closet, and Yami no Bakura quickly kicked the door in order to shut it up.)  
  
"And how do you think you're going to manage that?!" Yami no Bakura scowled.  
  
"Well... I have a list of volunteers made up."  
  
(At which point, the protests continued... and were promptly ignored.)  
  
"That's not the point."  
  
"It isn't?" was the innocent answer.  
  
Yami no Bakura sighed as the thought of '_The sooner we get this done with, the sooner we can finish what we were doing before that annoying asshole interrupted us!_' ran through his head. Finally, he just shook his head and glared at his koi (making sure to stay somewhat far away enough from him so as not to keep breathing in skunk fumes). "Well? Start explaining then...."

Malik smirked confidently. As displeased as he most certainly was about smelling like skunk, the flaxen-haired Egyptian was still going to enjoy that this time, his manipulative wiles were going to be put to good use in getting his other character into a bath, and getting the Sennen Rod back at the same time (though he thought it better not to mention the latter notion to Yami no Bakura just in case it didn't work out, for he knew that the tomb robber would not likely resist the urge to tease him about any failures, for that was simply Bakura's way).  
  
"Well, you heard what I promised him, ne? I fully intend to deliver... I'm just not expecting him to hold up his end of the deal voluntarily."   
  
Malik knew that his explanation was rather oblique, and judging by the way Yami no Bakura's eyebrow had begun to twitch, he figured that he'd better get down to specifics. His koi was nothing if not impatient...  
  
"I happen to know my Yami's specific tastes quite well. The by-product of having to share a body with him for so long, I'm sure... not to mention that I think I may have had a dream or two that belonged to him of late." Malik wrinkled his nose a bit at a few of the more disgusting remembered images. It was no wonder why his other character didn't mind the skunk smell, given what he dreamt about!   
  
"In any case, what my Yami no Jinkaku likes more than anything, is a captive victim... quite restrained and helpless... left in a position to succumb to any one of his urges..." Malik smirked seductively at Yami no Bakura, for truth be told, there were times when his tastes were not so different. Then, his expression returned to a more businesslike one, as he continued on with his plan. "So, we just need to obtain one of the people that he seems to have an interest in victimizing and set them in place. Naturally, when he shows up tomorrow, he won't be able to resist... but what he won't realize is that the whole thing is a trap, set to douse him with tomato juice the moment he gets to his so-called prize. Now, as to his victim..." Malik tapped his lower lip thoughtfully.   
  
"I'm thinking that Otogi Ryuuji would do _very_ nicely... no Sennen item to cause us difficulty, not too much company around his shop late at night... we should be able to grab him no problem..."   
  
Yami no Bakura shivered slightly from the seductive smile, and his own lips began to curl into a horrible, twisted sneer as he relived some of his own daydreams involving certain hair-playing dice freaks. Not to imply that he EVER had these types of dreams once he had gotten together with Malik, of course... but they were there in the back of his mind. Innocent things, of course... of no harm to anyone except maybe... well, Otogi Ryuuji.  
  
Unfortunately for Ryuuji, Yami no Bakura cared for only three things: his host (well, then again, since he was able to make a physical body, he had come to depend less on the yadonushi), world domination (unlikely with the idiot pharaoh still nosing around in affairs that were NONE of his business), and his lover (who now smelled like skunk, which meant that Yami no Bakura was willng to do just about anything to get rid of the disgusting smell).  
  
And even more unfortunately for Ryuuji, the only person who might possibly have stopped the white-haired psychopath was currently stuck in a closet. Although frankly, his opinion never mattered for much anyway. But that was a completely different story.   
**  
**"Now?"  
  
Malik couldn't help but be slightly disturbed by the dreamy smile on his lover's face. It reminded him, rather disconcertingly, of his Yami's face when the darkness-loving freak of nature was about to cause some serious damage to nearby fire hydrants.  
  
However, at the thought of kidnapping Ryuuji right from underneath a certain CEO's usually upturned nose, he discovered that the same smile now graced his lips as well.  
  
"Now."   
  
****


	6. Baiting the Trap

**Disclaimer:  **We do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, and hence do not own any of the characters, save Skunkzilla, since after being sprayed by him, we feel a certain proprietary claim over him.

**Authors' Notes:  **Hello, minna!  Yes, where, oh where, has this fic been?  It's been rotting on Neph's computer, unfortunately.  PM and I have both been swamped, but at last, someone was kind enough to tell me to update this (thank you, Nalan-san!).  Hopefully after Thanksgiving, things will remotely calm down and we can update again soon.  Hope you enjoy the chapter! 

ONLYhaunted:  So glad you lurved it!  And we've tortured Ryou enough, don't you think?  The house destruction, etc.  Had to spare him something!  XD  We will continue, hopefully sometime soon!

Kami Beverly:  Hee!  So glad we're amusing you!

Impish Pixie:  We do love hearing from you!  Thank you so much!  And poor Ryou, indeed!  That's what comes from living with Malik and Yami no Bakura.

Ninetails:  How ever did you guess?  Though, I have fun with that pairing, too.  More Seto/Ryuuji to come!  ::hug::  So glad you like this!  Lol… and the Malik/Bakura pairing might have had a wee bit of input from me… so happy that you're enjoying it!  More fun with Yami no Malik in a few chappies!  We'll keep it up whenever PM and I are actually on the computer at the same time again!

Haru-chan:  Thank you so much!  We pity Ryou, ourselves!  And you'll probably feel sorrier for Ryuuji after this chapter!  ::giggles:: Enjoy!

Yami Krissy:  Ah, Yami no Malik is not known for his compliance.  Just wait and see what happens…  Enjoy the fun with Ryuuji in the upcoming chapter!

Wolfeh:  So glad we could rejuvenate you!  Thank you so much for the compliments!  

**Chapter 6**

**Baiting the Trap**

Otogi Ryuuji, in the meantime, was having a very lovely day that was completely psycho-free and more importantly, skunk-free. He had only moments before said good-bye to his koi before waltzing off into his home that was located above the main part of his game shop. Of course, before turning to go, he had made sure that his raven-black hair shimmered lovingly in the gentle caress of the moonlight, the silky locks washing down his back in a cascade of....  
  
Well, it didn't really matter. Seto hadn't been looking anyway, as he was already in his car and driving back to the mansion. Which basically meant that all of Ryuuji's attempts at seductive beauty were wasted.  
  
Nothing new though.  
  
So, feeling slightly depressed that his scheme didn't work, Ryuuji turned to enter the game shop, still adrift in pleasant thoughts and memories. And, for the convenience of two rather evil anonymous kidnappers, he was so caught up in the before-mentioned activity that he didn't notice the dark presence of other people in his private space before it was too late.   
**  
**Well, it was really too late for him starting from when the two had started planning. Or really Malik, since he was the one who had picked Ryuuji as the victim of his evil scheme to get clean, get a Sennen Item, and get further revenge on his Yami by using the fabric-softener... err, floral-scented shampoo over and over again until Yami no Malik smelled like a flower. 

It truly was fortunate that Ryuuji was in something of a dreamy state at the present. After all, the only thing Malik could do about his skunky odor was attempt to obscure it with other, more pleasant odors... and this had resulted in him smelling like a bed of roses... well, no. A bed of rotting roses, perhaps. In other words, there was just no smell available to him that was going to successfully overcome the skunk. For this reason, the tight-fitting black clothing Malik was wearing served several purposes. It contained the foul odor to some extent, made him dissolve in the darkness of the shadows that he and Yami no Bakura were currently lurking in, and made him look damn sexy, if he did say so himself. Well, he wasn't the only one who said so. The rather frustrated growling sounds made by Yami no Bakura when Malik had first donned the outfit certainly indicated as much--suggesting that Malik would most certainly be pinned on the bed in the same position he had been earlier if he still didn't reek of skunk.   
  
In any case, the point was that neither Yami no Bakura nor Malik were smelt nor heard until the proper moment. Not that it would have mattered particularly if he had. Otogi Ryuuji was really no match for Yami no Bakura and Malik working in concert, to say nothing of the Sennen Ring. And to say nothing of just how motivated the two of them currently were. All it took was a silent exchange of looks with Yami no Bakura when the grating sound of a doorknob being turned filled the dark room and things were set in motion.  
  
Malik slipped along the wall beside the door, waiting until it was open just long enough for him to catch a glimpse of those green eyes and confirm that it was indeed Ryuuji coming in. Then he quickly doused a cloth with some chloroform from the bottle in his hand (one might wonder how they just happened to have chloroform on hand, but then, Otogi Ryuuji was hardly the first person that either one of them had considered abducting) and slammed the door shut behind Ryuuji the second he came into the room. Then Malik leapt forward, grabbing the other with one arm and pressing the chloroform-soaked cloth over his nose and mouth with the other.  
  
Ryuuji's nose twitched just slightly at the scent that it encountered within, but his only warning that something was amiss came, alas!, far too late. The moment he was through the door, someone slammed it shut behind him, causing the raven-haired male to emit a startled gasp. Seconds later, he made a rather shrill sound of surprise as strong arms caught him up and pressed a damp cloth against his nose and mouth. It was then that the room began to blur a bit...   
  
Any struggles would have been, by this point, useless... but logic was never one of Ryuuji's fortes. If it had been, he would have installed a security system on the door to protect himself from psychotic Egyptians and spirits. Not that he ever had any reason to believe this type of thing would happen... nooo, Ryuuji had been naive and believed that neither Malik nor Yami no Bakura even knew he existed. Which he was correct to a point... they didn't know he existed. Until they happened to remember him when it came to their evil schemes.  
  
So the green-eyed teen struggled, although it was relatively pointless as Malik had a strong grip on him. Not that he knew it was Malik (yet), but that didn't matter. Ryuuji was intelligent enough to know when he was being drugged and most likely abducted, and it didn't matter who was doing it.   
**  
**Once upon a time, he might have thought it was Seto doing this as a practical joke. Unfortunately, he had learned by this point that Seto didn't have much of a sense of humor (actually, he didn't have a sense of humor period) when his company was going through rough times.  
  
Luckily for him, Ryuuji was spared of wondering who was trying to kidnap him when a pair of eerie red eyes stared down at him. He nearly started shrieking at the sight of the psychotic thief, and he would have started fighting harder if the chloroform wasn't already taking over his system.   
**  
**"That was easier than expected," Yami no Bakura muttered as he smirked at Ryuuji.  
  
"I told you so," Malik's voice sounded oddly triumphant... as if he had just won a huge prize or something of the sort. Which he had, somewhat. As soon as Yami no Malik got a look at THIS eye-candy, he would be sure to be jumping into the tomato juice bath within seconds. And once he did that, it would only be a matter of seconds before Malik could steal the Sennen Rod and once again reign supreme over the entire world!!  
  
Well... as long as Yami no Bakura didn't steal the Sennen Rod from him... which he was pretty liable to do.   
**  
**But for now, the two had other things to worry about. Like what to do with the now happily unconscious game inventor, for example.

~ * ~

Malik smirked in self-satisfied fashion as they finished chaining Ryuuji in place. It had been quite simple to transport the unconscious male back to Ryou's house, since no one typically had any interest in stopping what clearly had to be two psychopaths on a motorcycle, since given the way Malik drove, no one would mistake them for anything less.   
**  
**So, they were now the proud owners of one naked Otogi Ryuuji who was currently chained down to a table in Ryou's basement. Malik had admittedly done a most artful job in arranging the raven-haired male, if he did say so himself, limbs spayed in most vulnerable and inviting fashion, silvery chains laced around his limbs, tinkling now as the other slowly regained consciousness and his arms and legs began twitching.   
  
Perhaps the most incongruous part of this scene that was clearly ripe for sadistic   
indulgence was the large vat of tomato juice that hung on a ledge precariously over Ryuuji's head, hidden from view by the low basement ceiling until one was right where the raven-haired male happened to be. It was just perfect. One pull of a chain, and whoever happened to be lying in that spot would be doused with the thick, red liquid. And since the thick, red liquid wasn't blood Malik could easily imagine just how well his Yami would like that. The thought made him snicker and turn towards Bakura, eyes alight with dark amusement.  
  
"So, what do you think? Is my other character going to be able to resist this for a second? Would _you _be able to resist this, Bakura...?" Malik purred, gazing at the other from the other side of the table and arching a brow.  
  
For a moment, there was no response, as Yami no Bakura had indeed been taking a moment--well, maybe more than just a moment--to indulge in a few little fantasies of just what might happen to Otogi Ryuuji were Malik not present at that moment and if they hadn't needed him for Yami no Malik baiting purposes. Still, in answer to Malik's question, he grinned darkly.   
  
"I don't think we have anything at all to worry about, Malik..." All of this was giving him quite a few ideas of just what he'd like to do with Malik once they got the skunk smell off of him. He was truly fond of the way his koi's mind worked.  
  
"Perfect. Then we'll just leave Otogi like this overnight, and come tomorrow--"  
  
Malik's words were interrupted as their captive decided to emit a rather indignant shriek. "Leave me like this overnight?! What exactly are you two planning to do with me tomorrow?!" Perhaps it was because he wasn't quite fully aware yet, or perhaps it was simply because Ryuuji didn't see how he could possibly make his situation much worse, but for that one moment after his emerald eyes had snapped open, he was too angry about finding himself like this to hold back his urge to at least force his kidnappers to deal with his questions.

A long silence followed his question, and for a moment, Ryuuji really did have to wonder if he had somehow made the situation worse. Considering who he was speaking to, it was a definite possibility and the thought made him a little more than nervous. Which most likely wasn't saying much considering how nervous he already was.  
  
And of course, he should have been nervous. After all, he had just woken up to discover that he was not only chained up, but a bit in the nude as well. Never mind, of course, that Seto had already done this to him before… and what an experience that had been….  
  
"We're not planning to do anything to you tomorrow," Malik replied simply, glancing at his white-haired psychopathic koi for agreement. Unfortunately, Yami no Bakura's eyes were having a little trouble focusing as his imagination began to do cartwheels about what he could do to Malik as soon as they went upstairs. He didn't even seem to notice that Malik was speaking to him, or that Ryuuji was awake, or that there were two sets of eyes staring at him and he was starting to make rather strange little sounds which were convincing the onlookers of his rapidly declining sanity.  
  
Giving up, Malik rolled his eyes as he turned back towards Ryuuji, "It's more of a matter of what my Yami is going to do to you."  
  
"Nanda?!" Ryuuji shrieked. And he could really shriek. To put it simply, if Skunkzilla had still been there, let's just say that two more people would be washing themselves in tomato juice that day. "What on earth are you talking about?!?!"  
  
Still, Ryuuji happened to have a really good reason for shrieking. Any one of Yuugi's friends would have been doing the same thing if they were in his position, especially with the impression that they had gotten from the insane worshipper of darkness during Battle City.  
  
But it was only to be expected. After all, Yami no Malik had tried to kill about half of the participants in the final rounds of Battle City on the blimp and Alcatraz tower, and if he had succeeded, he would have probably moved on to kill the other half.  
  
"It's not that difficult a concept to understand, Otogi-kun," Malik replied, his voice mockingly sweet as he shoved Yami no Bakura up the steps. Yami no Bakura went obediently but like a zombie, due to the fact that he was still having some rather hentai-ish daydreams that involved Malik, a set of chains, several whips, and that 'special' thing he had just bought off of E-bay with Ryou's credit card.  
  
He was quite annoyed that they had not been able to open the package yet because of this whole skunk mess.  
  
"You can't just leave me here!" Ryuuji screamed in desperation.  
  
"Yes, we can," was the bright reply. Malik had to keep a tight rein on his emotions to make sure that he didn't start dancing as he climbed the steps himself. After all, he was so close to accomplishing all his goals! Getting rid of the smell, getting his Sennen Rod back… making Yami no Malik smell like Rishid's fabric softener for the rest of his life!!! "Ja ne!"  
  
"Matte~!"  
  
The door to the basement slammed shut.


End file.
